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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 03-20-2007 at 13:24 |
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How do you value your virginity?
I've noted an attitude in this forum (as well as others) that seems to
stigmatize virginity, and I was wondering as to how prevalent this is.
My basic question is: How do you perceive your virginity? ... what is your
attitude towards it?
Would any of the below be representative of your perception of it?
1: It’s a gift that I will give to the person that I will spend the rest of my
life with, in a committed relationship (marriage or otherwise). Sex will be a
part of the bond that we will have, given that my future relationship partner
will be the only person that I have ever had sex with, as I will be the only
person that my relationship partner has had sex with - so that would tend to
give it meaning and special value.
2: It’s an embarrassing condition that I want to get rid of ASAP, but I don’t know
of anyone that I would want to have sex with, or I’m too shy to broach the subject
to the person(s) that I would like to have sex with.
3: I’m a virgin because I’ve never encountered anyone that I would want to have
sex with. It’s neither a blessing nor a curse, but a condition of no particular
significance to myself.
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SouthernComfort25
Junior Member
Posts: 15
Registered: 03-16-2007 Location:
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posted on 03-20-2007 at 15:09 |
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Virginity
The question that I have is... could you value virginity if you are in fact not a virgin? Like I have expressed opinions on virginity and I am not a virgin. I lost mine for all of the wrong reasons. However I am one of those people that if I could go back in time then I would have decided to wait because I preceive it as a gift of purity.
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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 03-21-2007 at 21:30 |
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What is the point?
'The question that I have is... could you value virginity if you are in fact
not a virgin? Like I have expressed opinions on virginity and I am not a virgin.’
..........................................................................
What would be the point in asking that question?
..........................................................................
‘I lost mine for all of the wrong reasons. However I am one of those people
that if I could go back in time then I would have decided to wait because I
perceive it as a gift of purity.'
..........................................................................
You have something of value to contribute to this group: The perspective of
someone who made a choice that you now regret - and the reasons for making
that choice - and the reasons for why you now regret it.
From the practical standpoint of the here-and-now: What is the point in harboring
those regrets?
What’s done is done - and there’s no changing the past. I always thought
it enormously absurd how some people claim to be “born-again virgins”.
A virgin is someone who has never had sex. Once a person has sex, then they
are no longer a virgin, and there’s nothing that they can do to change that
- full stop.
... but back to the question at hand: What is the point in harboring
those regrets?
Most guys don’t care if a girl is a virgin or not, or even if they have any kids.
I personally would never consider having a LTR with a girl that wasn’t a virgin,
but I realize that I’m an aberration - most guys would consider me to be weird
- as most guys are the product of the prevailing cultural standard - while I myself
am a misfit.
I’m someone who values sex, and considers it to be an important part of the bond
that I would share with a hypothetical relationship partner. Given the state
of the prevailing cultural standard, the chances that I would find someone that
would share that value (among other things) are not very good at all - and chances
are I’m going to be someone who will continue on through life alone - then die alone
- without ever having known love or intimacy. I don’t have a problem with that,
and I’m someone who has no regrets for maintaining the integrity of my principles,
so I realize that I gain something from losing something else.
From a practical standpoint, a non-virgin girl of at least moderate physical
attractiveness has a FAR better chance of finding a suitable relationship partner
than I ever did or ever will - and it’s from that perspective that I am asking
as to the practical purpose of harboring regrets over losing one’s virginity.
Losing it doesn’t mean that a person cannot find happiness with someone in a LTR.
Though sexual exclusivity would be something that would add value to a LTR,
there is more to a viable relationship than the sexual aspects.
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SouthernComfort25
Junior Member
Posts: 15
Registered: 03-16-2007 Location:
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posted on 03-22-2007 at 11:22 |
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There should be no regrets!
Okay yes I had stated that if I could do it all over then I would not have done it. So yes the decision that I decided to make was mine and mine alone. The only think that I would have changed would have been the reason why I did. I am not particularly harboring those feelings as far as making the decision to have sex. I would have changed the reason and then decided to go through with it when I rewally loved that person.
......................................................................................
You original question: How do you preceive your virginity?
.......................................................................................
I was just trying to state that yes even though I am not a virgin myself I know for a fact that beign a virgin is more or less a gift. It is really hard to go out these days and actually find someone that is a real virgin. Like you stated: "It's enormously absurd how some people claim to be “born-again virgins”. I think that it is amazing that people do claim to be a born again virgin. Like you said "virgins" are people that have not had sex, so once you have sex there is nothing about you left to be a virgin. Just because you take a vow or say a prayer doesn't make you an instant virgin.
..........................................................................................
I however share the same opinion as you to the point that you made that you value sex and that you think that it is an important part of a bond. Amongst everything that goes into a relationship, I think that the sex is a very important part of a relationship. It makes the bond between two people a lot strong and a a lot deeper.
..............................................................................................
Now as far as you dying alone, I realyl don't think that that is true, I do believer that there is someone for everyone. It just matters how you are and what you are looking for. I can understand if you are asking for the significant other to be perfect, well unfortunately in this day and age no one is. I myself am single, i hate it but I find a way to deal with it on a daily basis. I am not sure if I am reading your response right but are you a girl or a guy? Sometimes based on the sex of a person it will be a little easier to connect in the discussion. I am a very open person so I will answer pretty much any question that you have to ask. Feel free to ask me anything.
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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 03-22-2007 at 21:49 |
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It isn't a problem anymore
Okay yes I had stated that if I could do it all over then I would not have done it.
So yes the decision that I decided to make was mine and mine alone. The only thing
that I would have changed would have been the reason why I did. I am not particularly
harboring those feelings as far as making the decision to have sex. I would have
changed the reason and then decided to go through with it when I really loved that
person.
....................................................................................
You original question: How do you perceive your virginity?
....................................................................................
I was just trying to state that yes even though I am not a virgin myself I know for
a fact that being a virgin is more or less a gift. It is really hard to go out these
days and actually find someone that is a real virgin.
####################################################################################
This goes back to our predominant cultural domain that values immediate need gratification
while ignoring the associated costs and risks - which is basically adopting to a lifestyle
where a person lives like an animal. This is why so many more kids are having problems with
obesity than in times past - and the root of the substance abuse problem. We live in a culture
that doesn’t see anything wrong with having it now, then paying for it later - without any
regard for risks and consequences.
We live in a society that glamorizes and glorifies sexual promiscuity, then gets bent
out of shape when guys try to have sex with young girls - yet those young girls are
likely banging like bunnies with young boys - and calling them a “slut” is worn like
a badge of honor. The infection rates for STD’s have been rising for the past several years,
with the greatest increases with the teenage age group. It’s appalling how so many of
the youth think that there’s something wrong with them if they’re not having sex
(like BIGWORLD_BIGCHOICES).
(Quite frankly, I have no sympathy for people dying of HIV/AIDS. HIV is easy to avoid:
DON’T SCREW AROUND! - NO PROB.)
... and there are the consequences of pregnancy before you’re ready to deal with it.
I’m not a religious person (as I don’t make any distinction between “religion” and
“superstition”), but I’m of the opinion that religion has a lot of good things in it
- good guidelines to live a life by - and I can see the logic behind a lot of what
many religious faiths tend to preach. One of the things that many/most religious faiths
tend to preach about is abstinence from immediate need gratification - to recognize the
associated risks and costs - to aspire to be something more than an animal - as every
human is capable of achieving.
One of the reasons why I choose to remain a virgin is because it’s affirmation to
myself that I’m something more than just another animal - that I have behavioral
tendencies and motivational influences above that of animals. I’m actually somewhat
proud of myself - especially in light of the fact that a lot of guys measure a man by
the number of girls that he’s managed to lay - as it’s a part of the prevailing cultural
domain - to which I am a misfit - and don’t really care that I am.
####################################################################################
Like you stated: "It's enormously absurd how some people claim to be “born-again
virgins”. I think that it is amazing that people do claim to be a born again virgin.
Like you said "virgins" are people that have not had sex, so once you have sex there
is nothing about you left to be a virgin. Just because you take a vow or say a prayer
doesn't make you an instant virgin.
....................................................................................
I however share the same opinion as you to the point that you made that you value
sex and that you think that it is an important part of a bond. Amongst everything
that goes into a relationship, I think that the sex is a very important part of a
relationship. It makes the bond between two people a lot strong and a lot deeper.
....................................................................................
Now as far as you dying alone, I really don't think that that is true, I do believe
that there is someone for everyone.
####################################################################################
I cringe every time someone throws out the “someone for everyone” dogma.
I used to believe in that dogma - I bought into it - and all that it did was to bring
me many years of pain and misery.
In my school days (college, high school, junior high school), I developed infatuations
for several girls. I had no problem with talking to them - fear wasn’t a problem for me
- but I have this basic inability to connect with people on a meaningful level (attractive
girls or otherwise). I’ve suspected for years that there is something fundamentally wrong
with me - like perhaps I have Aspergers Syndrome (a form of autism as it relates to social
interaction). I don’t have much in the way of a personality, and I have this tendency
to be off-putting - I’m really not a very likeable person. Some people have the perception
of me as being someone who puts up walls to keep people at bay - in fear of rejection should
someone get to know me. The truth of the matter is: There isn’t much to get to know about me
- I’m extremely dull and boring - a big blank - a Blank Wall.
(There’s also the impact that my parents [especially my father] had upon my development,
but it’s a very involved and complicated subject that I don’t want to get into within the
context of this post.)
There were a few girls in particular that I thought had relationship potential, but there was
a “deal-killer” in each case: One of those girls was involved in a relationship (and I wasn’t
about to do anything to break that up), and the other girl had religious beliefs that were
a problem - she was a Sikh - and I was/am not - and I’m not about to fake a religious belief
to satisfy my own desires for a relationship.
In those years, I thought that, somehow, some way, I was going to find “That Perfect Someone”
- the girl that was “intended” for me. It was only after I came to terms with the reality
of the situation (with MY situation) that I came to the realization that the whole
“Someone For Everyone” dogma is a big, thick, steamin’, bowla’ CRAP - and it was the
source of a lot of false hopes that brought me nothing but a load of pain - and I consider
it to be a bad idea to advance that dogma in groups that likely have people that do not have
a realistic chance of actually finding someone - or (even worse) misleads them into believing
that they have found “That Perfect Someone” - and gets into a non-viable relationship that
turns out to be worse than being alone.
The basic reality that has to be dealt with is that, in spite of all the talk about “sexual
equality”, it’s still the case that guys initiate relationships, while girls accept/reject
the advances. It’s still the case that guys have to make the first move - pass the girl’s
audition - and guys have to be competitive with the other guys that are in pursuit of
any given girl - and any girl of at least average physical attractiveness will be aggressively
pursued by a lot of guys. My basic problem is: I am not competitive for the girls that I might
be attracted to. As I alluded to before: I don’t have much in the way of a personality,
and I don’t have much of anything to offer someone - and I can understand why there would
be very few girls that would find anything of interest about me.
... but I’ve come to terms with all of that.
####################################################################################
It just matters how you are and what you are looking for. I can understand if you
are asking for the significant other to be perfect, well unfortunately in this
day and age no one is.
####################################################################################
“Perfection” implies a standard of some sort, and everyone has their own standards
- so “perfection” would be dependant upon who it is that’s applying the standard
for making that determination. Physical attractiveness is an important consideration,
especially when there is a sexual component to a relationship. For myself, the standard
of acceptability for physical attractiveness is not very high. I don’t care about the
size of a girl’s breasts - and she could be a skinny little beanpole - just so long as
she isn’t a Porky Patty.
... and a lot of guys are the same way.
The problem for me has always been finding a girl that is psychologically compatible
with me (as was alluded to above).
Someone once told me that “opposites attract” - and my reaction to that was: BULLSHIT.
An integral part of love is understanding, and the more alike two people are, the better
that they understand each other - the more interests that they share, the fewer the
conflicts OF interest - and the fewer the conflicts they will have within the course
of the relationship.
I’ve had this discussion several times before, in other forums, and I drafted a profile
at one point for what "That Perfect Someone" would be like for myself (if I were
to actually find her) that I can copy/paste here:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
withdrawn, introverted, homebody - who likes hunting and shooting
- watch an occasional movie - maybe program computers - is physically attractive
- is a virgin - with a great deal of inner strength - very patient and tolerant
- mostly ambivalent about conventionality - with little ego - with a weird,
off-beat sense of humor - who smiles a lot - not materialistic - doesn't care
what others think of her - possesses a great deal of maturity - has an even temper
- doesn't care about trivial things (like style and fashion) - doesn't get bent
out of shape and whine over every little thing - is secure enough to admit it
when she's wrong about something - who isn't dogmatic in her belief system
- has integrity and a consistent set values - has good conflict resolution skills
- is as dull as dirt.
... AND who would want to get involved with a schmuck like ME.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The above would be my standard of “perfection” - and I’m not all that motivated to relax
it very much. A lot of guys have told me that my profile is unrealistic - and impossible
for anyone to meet. I would agree to the extent that a girl who fits the above is very rare
and difficult to locate, and that my chances are very bad that a girl who would fit that
profile would choose myself over her other options (as she would likely have many)
- so it’s unrealistic for all practical purposes.
Very few people know what it’s like to go through many years without ever having known
love nor intimacy - and the way that those unmet desires can rip and tear at you
- and the effects that the pain can have upon a person. Some people adjust and adapt
- I’m one of them - I have changed as a consequence of that pain.
Pain is a very powerful motivator - pain can change a person - sometimes whether they
want to change or not. The pain in my past has changed me. I have become someone who
no longer places much importance upon having that which most other people (“normals”)
tend to take for granted - who doesn’t have much desire for an intimate relationship
- and who won’t jump at the chance to have one - but will react with measured skepticism
if presented with the opportunity.
... and it’s a change/adaptation that other people have made themselves, as others
can make if they have the desire to do so.
####################################################################################
I myself am single, i hate it but I find a way to deal with it on a daily basis.
####################################################################################
I’ve always been a high-level introvert. I never get bored, and never get lonely.
I’m someone who doesn’t have much of a need for a relationship, so I’m FAR from being
desperate to have one.
I posted a profile to an online dating site (more than a year ago). It’s probably the
worst profile ever posted to a dating site. My personal description reads much like this:
“I’m as dull as dirt, and any girl that would want to get involved with me would have
to be crazy.”
To my astonishment, I’ve had about 100 responses.
The account that I have with that site is a free account. The limitations that I have
with it is that, I can view the message headers for the messages sent to me, and I can
view the profiles of the people (women) that sent them - but I cannot read the bodies
of the messages - nor can I send any messages of my own.
When I look at their profiles, in virtually every case, they have one or more kids
- so that is grounds for rejection right then and there - a “deal killer” AFAIC.
With my free account, I am unable to respond, and I’m not motivated to pay for an upgrade
so that I can. If the woman is a single mom, then I would think that it’s safe to conclude
that she isn’t a virgin - and I CERTAINLY DO NOT want to have anything to do with kids
that are not my own (for a variety of reasons).
From what I’ve come to understand, there are many single moms who are having difficulty
finding a desirable guy. This is one of those costs and risks that I alluded to before
that a woman needs to take into consideration when getting involved with a guy - and the
risks associated with an unplanned pregnancy - that they will lose “market value” when
trying to find potential relationship candidates once they have any kids.
I’ve come to appreciate the advantages of being alone - and come to the realization that
there are some things worse than being alone - like getting involved in a bad relationship.
Once a person makes the adjustment that I mentioned above, then that person is not all that
motivated to make much in the way of sacrifices - and assume much in the way of risks
(as all relationships involve a certain degree of risk and sacrifice) - so it places them
in a position of strength when considering potential relationship partners.
In looking at myself in the mirror, I see that I am in a very strong position.
####################################################################################
I am not sure if I am reading your response right but are you a girl or a guy?
Sometimes based on the sex of a person it will be a little easier to connect in
the discussion.
####################################################################################
I always like to put a face to the words. I have posted my pics to photobucket.
Click on the following links at your own risk - I will not be held responsible
for any injury nor damage should your monitor explode as a consequence of
displaying my image - so consider yourselves to be warned:
Accounts on photobucket are free to anyone who registers.
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SouthernComfort25
Junior Member
Posts: 15
Registered: 03-16-2007 Location:
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posted on 03-28-2007 at 14:58 |
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Beliefs
Okay first of all I am glad that you are set in your ways of being a virgin. There is nothing wrong with that what so ever. However in this day and age you are not really going to find that many virgins. Well I should say that you are probably not going to find to many virgins over the age of 18. I can still remember back in high school when that was all my friends were talking about it. That seemed to be the main topic of everything, and anything was all about sex. With my way of thinking I thought that it was completely appalling how everyone wanted to lose their virginity because it was "the thing" to do. I could not figure out how something that was supposed to be special and sacred, people just wanted to give it away. Even though we live in a society that glamorizes and glorifies sexual promiscuity, the only reason why people get bent out of shape about it is because there are people that will go out and have sex with younger people that should not even be having sex of any kind. However, that these girls that are going out and having sex with all of these guys are considered sluts right? What about all of the guys that go out and have sex with a bunch of girls just to see how many they can sleep with or they are having a contest with their friends just to see who can get the most girls into the sack. Why aren't these ones have a label? That is the difference about men and women doing this. Women are called sluts and tramps, but guys are idolized for it.
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I cringe every time someone throws out the “someone for everyone” dogma.
I used to believe in that dogma - I bought into it - and all that it did was to bring me many years of pain and misery.
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I can understand how someone could cringe at this statement. I myself have been burned many of times, but I still don't give up the possibility that someone might be out there. Whether you can actually find them or not is a different story. Finding someone that fits your specific criteria is going to be difficult. There is no way that one person could contain everything that a certain person is looking for. They may posses some of the things that you are looking.
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The basic reality that has to be dealt with is that, in spite of all the talk about “Sexual Equality”, it’s still the case that guys initiate relationships, while girls accept/reject the advances. It’s still the case that guys have to make the first move - pass the girl’s audition - and guys have to be competitive with the other guys that are in pursuit of any given girl - and any girl of at least average physical attractiveness will be aggressively pursued by a lot of guys.
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I don't agree with this statement, I can't count how many times that my friends will call me up asking advice on how to deal with a guy that will not come to her first. My response to all of my friends is simply this: In the times that we live in, there is nothing wrong with a woman confronting a man first. Maybe in the olden days that would not be acceptable, now a days there is nothing wrong with it at all.
However as far as actual relationships go I think the thing that is significantly lacking these days would have to be the affection. See this is even an odd subject because there are so many different definitions of affection. If a women were to go up to the average guy(and I have done this) and ask him what his definition of affection is then more times then none I would get the answer that their definition of affection would have to be how much variety a women puts out in the bedroom, or they don't give their partner enough sex. Now if you go up to the average women and ask what their definition of the word affection meant, she would tell you the little things. Things that people take advantage of like holding hands, the hugs, the kisses, holding them close for no reason, calling them up in the middle of the day just to say hello, or just because you wanted to hear their voice. So to me yes I think that based upon the info that I myself have collected I think that most men lack the acknowledgement of affection.
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In those years, I thought that, somehow, some way, I was going to find “That Perfect Someone” - the girl that was “intended” for me
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The search for "That Perfect Someone” I think that this is an endless search, for that perfect someone does not exist. No one in this world is truly perfect. There is always going to be something wrong with someone, or something that just doesn't fit quite to your liking. I think that the search for that perfect someone has more to do with finding what your heart really wants and what they are really looking for. So "That Perfect Someone" is more or less someone that you can find to love you and you love her.
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When I look at their profiles, in virtually every case, they have one or more kids - so that is grounds for rejection right then and there - a “deal killer” AFAIC.
From what I’ve come to understand, there are many single moms who are having difficulty finding a desirable guy. This is one of those costs and risks that I alluded to before that a woman needs to take into consideration when getting involved with a guy - and the risks associated with an unplanned pregnancy - that they will lose “market value” when trying to find potential relationship candidates once they have any kids.
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Okay this is the statement that I totally do not agree with this. I kind of do and kind of don't understand the logic behind this one. I can understand a guy's point of view of not wanting to get with anyone that has children. I think that the biggest reason for this is because they think that the woman is just looking for someone to be a father to their child. If you have been able to figure it out, I myself am a single mother, with no regrets of having my son what so ever. When I find someone that I would like to date yes I take my sons well being into consideration, however, I do not assume under any circumstances that the guy that I am wanting to be involved with will take the charge of being my sons father. He already has a father so I do not have the need of giving him another one. I leave it up to the person that I am seeing to decide what role they would like to play in my son's life. I never pressure them to take a more active role. The only thing that I do ask is for them to be considerate of that child. I would never date anyone that hated children, because of the fact that children play a big role in my life. I put me being able to have a child when I did was an act of fate. If I had waited any longer then I would have never had children at all. Also it fell along the line that when I was pregnant with my son I was in a severe car accident that should have made me miscarry but it was out of my hands. Anyway my point about this is that just because women have children doesn't mean that they lose their "market value". It just depends on the type of people that you are looking for. I mean a single mother can not go out and expect to date someone that is a drug addict, and alcoholic, everyone knows that that choice would not be appropriate for a mom, a responsible mom anyway. It just takes more maturity to date a single mother.
If you would like to be able to see whom you have been writing back and forth with during this conversation feel free to take a look at one of my profiles. You will need to copy and past the link.
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nerfwarrior
Junior Member
Posts: 18
Registered: 04-05-2007 Location:
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posted on 04-05-2007 at 07:20 |
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I value my viginity
By the lack of babies mommas I have and the fact I'm not diseased and herpes infested.
SO basically in dollar amounts.
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GreyGoose
Junior Member
Posts: 21
Registered: 04-05-2007 Location:
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posted on 04-05-2007 at 07:23 |
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my virginity
I'm keeping mine out of fear. I think I'll share it with a woman who is also a virgin. I just don't trust women enough to believe them when they say they are virgins. Once, a girl really wanted sex with me but I wouldn't even touch her down there. It smelled funny and I think she must have had gonorrhea or something.
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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 04-14-2007 at 13:51 |
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Not Motivated to Settle
> 'Okay first of all I am glad that you are set in your ways of being a virgin.
> There is nothing wrong with that what so ever. However in this day and age you
> are not really going to find that many virgins. Well I should say that you are
> probably not going to find to many virgins over the age of 18.
I realize that, but I don’t really care.
I’ll also point out that age has nothing to do with maturity. I’d consider a relationship
with a 14-yo if she demonstrated to me that she possessed a certain degree of maturity,
and fit my overall profile to a reasonable extent. If she were a virgin, then that alone
would be a good indication that she was fairly mature and independent-minded - who is an
individualist that doesn’t run with the pack - the sort of individual that I would want
for a relationship partner.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> I can still remember back in high school when that was all my friends were talking about it.
> That seemed to be the main topic of everything, and anything was all about sex. With my way
> of thinking I thought that it was completely appalling how everyone wanted to lose their
> virginity because it was "the thing" to do. I could not figure out how something that was
> supposed to be special and sacred, people just wanted to give it away.
So why did you do it?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> Even though we live
> in a society that glamorizes and glorifies sexual promiscuity, the only reason why people
> get bent out of shape about it is because there are people that will go out and have sex
> with younger people that should not even be having sex of any kind. However, that these
> girls that are going out and having sex with all of these guys are considered sluts right?
> What about all of the guys that go out and have sex with a bunch of girls just to see how
> many they can sleep with or they are having a contest with their friends just to see who
> can get the most girls into the sack. Why aren't these ones have a label? That is the
> difference about men and women doing this. Women are called sluts and tramps, but guys
> are idolized for it.
You’re referring to the double standard that has been prevalent within the cultural norm
for many decades (centuries?) - and I think it stinks.
However, I don’t think that the best way to rectify that double standard is for women to
engage in the same sort of slutty behavior that guys have - and to remove the stigma
associated with that sort of behavior. I’m not taking the position that there is something
inherently “wrong” with engaging in that sort of (promiscuous) behavior - just that I think
that it’s a bad idea to take the associated risks WRT the behavior for the sake of immediate
need gratification - and to devalue something that COULD be special (if it was MADE something
special by both relationship partners) - reducing it to something to do because it feels good.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
> I cringe every time someone throws out the “someone for everyone” dogma.
>
> I used to believe in that dogma - I bought into it - and all that it did was to bring
> me many years of pain and misery.
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
>
> I can understand how someone could cringe at this statement. I myself have been burned
> many of times, but I still don't give up the possibility that someone might be out there.
Your chances are FAR better than mine ever were - as getting relationships are FAR easier for you
- mainly because you’re a woman.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> Whether you can actually find them or not is a different story. Finding someone that fits
> your specific criteria is going to be difficult. There is no way that one person could
> contain everything that a certain person is looking for. They may posses some of the things
> that you are looking.
Believe me when I type that I’m fully aware of that, but that’s where we come back to the
issue of motivation. A lot of people have some idea as to what “That Perfect Someone” might
mean to themselves - as it would apply to themselves - but often eventually compromise as
they conduct their search - and reality begins to set in - and the loneliness begins to take
its toll.
... and THAT is the greatest determinant in how much they are willing to adhere to that standard.
If a person cannot tolerate loneliness very well - if they have a high need for a relationship
- then they tend to be more willing and able to compromise - as they will be more motivated
to do so.
As I’ve stated before: I don’t have much of a problem with loneliness - with living a solitary
lifestyle - and I don’t have a problem with the prospect of dying alone - with dying a virgin
- so I’m not all that inclined to compromise all that much.
You could say that I’m somewhat of an asexual.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
> The basic reality that has to be dealt with is that, in spite of all the talk about “Sexual
> Equality”, it’s still the case that guys initiate relationships, while girls accept/reject
> the advances. It’s still the case that guys have to make the first move - pass the girl’s
> audition - and guys have to be competitive with the other guys that are in pursuit of any
> given girl - and any girl of at least average physical attractiveness will be aggressively
> pursued by a lot of guys.
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
>
> I don't agree with this statement, I can't count how many times that my friends
> will call me up asking advice on how to deal with a guy that will not come to her first.
> My response to all of my friends is simply this: In the times that we live in, there is
> nothing wrong with a woman confronting a man first. Maybe in the olden days that would
> not be acceptable, now a days there is nothing wrong with it at all.
Don’t look now, but you’ve just proven my point.
It doesn’t matter if it’s “right” or “wrong” - your friends STILL expect for the guys to
make the advances - as most guys usually do. That certain guys don’t approach your friends
might be a product of the guys being able to get girls that are more attractive than your
friends. It’s usually the case that, for girls that are at least average, they will get
plenty of attention from guys - and have guys initiating the relationships.
For guys, making the advances has NEVER been perceived as being somehow “wrong” - and most
guys have been socialized into that behavior - so why should a girl who is at least average
in terms of physical attractiveness take the risks of rejection when there are guys who are
ready, willing, and able to do it for them?
When women take the initiative, it’s usually the case that they are well below average in terms
of physical attractiveness, and desire/pursue guys that are average (or above average).
There were a few girls that made advances towards me during my time in college.
Unfortunately, they didn’t appeal to me - they were far below average - so I just ignored them
- as the girls that I thought were attractive ignored me in kind.
That’s life.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> However as far as actual relationships go I think the thing that is significantly
> lacking these days would have to be the affection. See this is even an odd subject
> because there are so many different definitions of affection. If a women were to go
> up to the average guy(and I have done this) and ask him what his definition of affection
> is then more times then none I would get the answer that their definition of affection
> would have to be how much variety a women puts out in the bedroom, or they don't give
> their partner enough sex. Now if you go up to the average women and ask what their
> definition of the word affection meant, she would tell you the little things. Things
> that people take advantage of like holding hands, the hugs, the kisses, holding them
> close for no reason, calling them up in the middle of the day just to say hello, or
> just because you wanted to hear their voice. So to me yes I think that based upon
> the info that I myself have collected I think that most men lack the acknowledgement
> of affection.
What is lacking isn’t so much affection, but a consistent definition of the word “love”
- and what it means to love someone in a committed relationship. This is a part of the
reason why I think that sexual promiscuity is a bad idea. People who have sex for pleasure
- for their own gratification - do so for their own selfish reasons - and they don’t tend
to place any significance upon the act - as to what it might mean within the context of
a relationship (which is another reason why I insist upon a virgin).
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
> In those years, I thought that, somehow, some way, I was going to find “That Perfect Someone”
> - the girl that was “intended” for me
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
>
> The search for "That Perfect Someone” I think that this is an endless search,
> for that perfect someone does not exist. No one in this world is truly perfect.
> There is always going to be something wrong with someone, or something that just
> doesn't fit quite to your liking. I think that the search for that perfect someone
> has more to do with finding what your heart really wants and what they are really
> looking for. So "That Perfect Someone" is more or less someone that you can find
> to love you and you love her.
I’m well aware of that.
Take note of the way that I phrase the term “That Perfect Someone” - enclosed in quotes
- with each word capitalized - which means that it’s a rhetorical catch-all that is not
to be taken in the literal sense. I expect for the reader to pick up on that. If they don’t,
then I’ll clarify.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
> When I look at their profiles, in virtually every case, they have one or more kids
> - so that is grounds for rejection right then and there - a “deal killer” AFAIC.
>
> From what I’ve come to understand, there are many single moms who are having difficulty
> finding a desirable guy. This is one of those costs and risks that I alluded to before
> that a woman needs to take into consideration when getting involved with a guy - and the
> risks associated with an unplanned pregnancy - that they will lose “market value” when
> trying to find potential relationship candidates once they have any kids.
> ****************************************************************
> ****************************************************************
>
> Okay this is the statement that I totally do not agree with this. I kind of do
> and kind of don't understand the logic behind this one. I can understand a guy's point
> of view of not wanting to get with anyone that has children. I think that the biggest
> reason for this is because they think that the woman is just looking for someone to be
> a father to their child.
The thing of it is: This is often the case - and it’s a valid concern. A lot of guys have
been played for chumps - and I’ve heard plenty of stories in that regard.
It’s a risk that I’m not motivated to take.
> If you have been able to figure it out, I myself am a single mother, with no regrets of
> having my son what so ever. When I find someone that I would like to date yes I take my
> sons well being into consideration, however, I do not assume under any circumstances that
> the guy that I am wanting to be involved with will take the charge of being my sons father.
> He already has a father so I do not have the need of giving him another one. I leave it up
> to the person that I am seeing to decide what role they would like to play in my son's life.
> I never pressure them to take a more active role. The only thing that I do ask is for them
> to be considerate of that child. I would never date anyone that hated children, because of
> the fact that children play a big role in my life. I put me being able to have a child when
> I did was an act of fate. If I had waited any longer then I would have never had children
> at all. Also it fell along the line that when I was pregnant with my son I was in a severe
> car accident that should have made me miscarry but it was out of my hands. Anyway my point
> about this is that just because women have children doesn't mean that they lose their
> "market value". It just depends on the type of people that you are looking for. I mean
> a single mother can not go out and expect to date someone that is a drug addict, and alcoholic,
> everyone knows that that choice would not be appropriate for a mom, a responsible mom anyway.
> It just takes more maturity to date a single mother.
I can understand all of that - as the most important person in any parent’s life is/are their kid(s)
- and that is as it should be (IMO).
The thing of it is: I don’t HAVE any kids - so the most important person in my life would be
my hypothetical relationship partner. If that relationship partner were to have any children,
then it would create an asymmetric imbalance within the relationship that I would determine
to be COMPLETELY unacceptable - and I absolutely refuse to involve myself in a situation like that
- I’m simply not motivated to do so.
That alone is sufficient reason to stay clear of single moms.
Besides that, there is the paternal father to take into consideration. It’s often the case
that he has visitation rights for his kids. It’s often the case that this “relationship”
can introduce a lot of drama to the newly-formed relationship - and it’s the sort of drama
that I can do without.
THAT alone is sufficient reason to stay clear of single moms.
Besides all of that, the fact that I’ve had so many single moms send messages to my profile
on that dating site (probably the worst profile ever made to a dating site) is all the evidence
that I need to validate my observation that it’s far more difficult for single moms to get
into relationships than those who don’t have any kids. After all, if it was just as easy for
them as it is for childless women, then there should be a balance in terms of messages.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> If you would like to be able to see whom you have been writing back and forth with
> during this conversation feel free to take a look at one of my profiles. You will need
> to copy and past the link.
>
>
I’m looking at this very obvious appeal to sexuality:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Real Name:
Simply Irresistable
Nickname:
Seductive Child
Occupation:
Hot Temptress
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
... and I think that it damages your credibility when you come into this group
and “champion the cause” of virginity - and it makes me skeptical.
That’s how I see it anyway.
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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 04-14-2007 at 13:56 |
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motives of trolls
'I'm keeping mine out of fear. I think I'll share it with a woman who is also a virgin. I just don't trust women enough to believe them when they say they are virgins. Once, a girl really wanted sex with me but I wouldn't even touch her down there. It smelled funny and I think she must have had gonorrhea or something.'
I don’t understand the motivations of all these guys who want to take the time
and effort to troll a support group for virgins. Were you guys born assholes,
or did you go to school somewhere?
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Luckygohappy
Member
Posts: 30
Registered: 07-15-2005 Location:
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posted on 08-04-2007 at 01:03 |
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my 2 cents worth
I lost my virginity over 3 years ago, but I have made the decision to stop having sex until I'm married.
My reason is a moral one. I recently became a Christian and vowed at my baptism to turn away from all known sins... premarital sex obviously being one of them.
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Parthena
Member
Posts: 57
Registered: 07-07-2007 Location: Greece
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posted on 12-17-2007 at 07:19 |
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To Blank_Wall
Bali was always such a beautiful, peaceful, pristine place to holiday. Everyone went there and spent lazy days and tranquil nights near the wonderful water... Then, suddenly, one day, a tsunami hit. Nobody expected it. Nobody could say that anything in Bali's past had led them to expect such a catastrophic event would occur.
Such is your life, my friend. Just because you haven't met the girl of your dreams yet, doesn't mean you still can't. If I were you, I would try to be a bit more optimistic. At least don't give up hope until you've hit 33, the 'magic' age. You're just not ready yet. You are still too focused on yourself but this will pass and you will be able to unlock your treasure stores and offer somebody special your true self. You have a lot to give.
There is nothing wrong with you. Just be patient.
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Andrew
Newbie
Posts: 7
Registered: 01-06-2008 Location:
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posted on 01-06-2008 at 22:54 |
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I value it
The only reason I'm waiting till marriage is because how much I love God and I'm religious.
---------
Andrew
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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 01-08-2008 at 16:29 |
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To Parthena
Sorry for taking so long to respond - I almost missed this ...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
'Bali was always such a beautiful, peaceful, pristine place to holiday.
Everyone went there and spent lazy days and tranquil nights near the wonderful
water... Then, suddenly, one day, a tsunami hit. Nobody expected it. Nobody
could say that anything in Bali's past had led them to expect such a
catastrophic event would occur.
Such is your life, my friend. Just because you haven't met the girl of your
dreams yet, doesn't mean you still can't. If I were you, I would try to be
a bit more optimistic. At least don't give up hope until you've hit 33, the
'magic' age. You're just not ready yet. You are still too focused on yourself
but this will pass and you will be able to unlock your treasure stores and
offer somebody special your true self. You have a lot to give.
There is nothing wrong with you. Just be patient.'
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It’s really sweet of you to type this - and I *DO* appreciate your
attempt at trying to give me some encouragement - but it’s apparent
enough that you don’t fully appreciate my situation. If you were to
know me better, you’d realize that there is - indeed - something
wrong with me.
First of all, I’m well past the “magic age” of 33 - I’m 43.
... so maybe that fact alone is reason enough for me to give up hope?
I don’t look all that bad - I look rather young for my age as a matter
of fact - but I’m no fashion model either. You can be the judge:
[img “http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n109/Wally_989/ME/DSC01139.jpg”]
[img “http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n109/Wally_989/ME/DSC01140-1.jpg”]
The root of my problem is that I don’t have much in the way of a
personality. I’m a ... Blank Wall ... in that respect. I’m afflicted
with Aspergers Syndrome (high-functional autism), and it’s been at
the root of my social ineptitude - I’m simply someone who cannot
make friends easily - ESPECIALLY girlfriends. I’ve made significant
progress in dealing with the affliction - I’m CERTAINLY better off
than I was in the past - and I’ve even made a few friends (guys)
that I sometimes do things with - but it’s too little too late.
In spite of all the talk about “sexual equality”, it’s still the
case that guys make the advances - guys take the initiative - and
women are placed in a position where they can either accept or
reject those advances. If a girl is at least somewhat physically
attractive, then she will get approached by guys - no matter what
kind of personality she has - no matter how socially dysfunctional
she might be (even worse off than I am). The “Dating Game” is not
played on a level playing field, and women have a HUGE advantage
in that respect.
It isn’t fair, but life isn’t fair.
Parthena, I don’t know anything about you, perhaps you’re a Greek
Goddess, but I would suspect that you’ve gotten a lot of approaches
from guys (assuming that you’re not morbidly obese), and the main
reason why you’ve remained a virgin would have to do with your
principles and values - perhaps you’re devoutly religious - I’ve
no idea. Whatever the case, I’d state that your chances of finding
“That Perfect Someone” are FAR greater than any of the guys who
have posted to this forum - and CERTAINLY better than mine - as
mine have dwindled down to the point that it would be an unrealistic
hope to have.
I’m willing to overlook a HUGE age difference in finding someone (a
virgin girl who is as least somewhere close to being as introverted
as I am), but I doubt that any girl would be willing to do the same
- especially when she has better choices to choose from - so that
means that I’m simply not competitive with her other choices on that
count ALONE (never mind all of the other reasons that I could cite)
- so I don’t see any valid reason to hold out much hope - given the
reality of my situation.
To revisit what you typed before:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
“Bali was always such a beautiful, peaceful, pristine place to holiday.”
“Such is your life, my friend.”
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ummm ... no ... not at all.
I can’t say that my life was ever anything like Bali; It’s more like
a vast expanse of badlands than anything else - as I’ve always dwelled
within the “Badlands of Solitude” - a very inhospitable place to be
(to state the least). In all of that time that I’ve dwelled here,
I’ve managed to acquire an adequate degree of survival skills, and the
badlands are not that bad of a place to be once you’ve learned to cope
with it - and have learned not to expect anything more than the
badlands have to give.
This is my reality, and I’ve come to accept that.
I’ll likely die alone - and die a virgin - but I don’t really have
a problem with that anymore.
Again, I appreciate your words of comfort and compassion, but I’m afraid
that my reality simply has no place for them.
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Andrew
Newbie
Posts: 7
Registered: 01-06-2008 Location:
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posted on 01-09-2008 at 13:02 |
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Reply
Hey dude you don't look bad.
If you have the money try going to another country where you'll get girls easily.
I'm pretty sure if you come down to the Caribbean, loads of girls will like you, even with you disability.
Don't give up hope!
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parentheticramblings
Newbie
Posts: 3
Registered: 07-01-2008 Location: South Africa
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posted on 07-01-2008 at 22:27 |
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Option 1
I would have to go with Option 1.... its something to be shared with just the two of you and only the two of you... how can a relationship of trust be built with someone who has had a sexual past... I certainly would find it hard... but that's just my opinion!
Stay strong
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ohdangletsbang
Newbie
Posts: 3
Registered: 08-15-2008 Location: California
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posted on 08-15-2008 at 05:48 |
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three, perhaps?
I want the termination of my hymen to be worthwhile.
Hahaha
But, y'know what I mean? It's not completely sacred to me, and it's not dog shit, either. It's a nice in-between that sort of matters.
It may or mayn't also be a bid to fifty bucks in a bet between my group of five best friends, but that's another matter...muahaha.
And, in my fantasies, my first sexual encounter involves Bill Kaulitz...LOTS of Bill Kaulitz. Over. And over. And over. Again. -giggles-
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lostinchicago1126
Newbie
Posts: 5
Registered: 09-30-2008 Location:
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posted on 09-30-2008 at 15:32 |
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help me
i value my virginity quite a lot...but my gf might break up with me if we don't do it...help me please...full details on my post 9/30/08...please respond!!!
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AngelEyes
Newbie
Posts: 4
Registered: 04-21-2007 Location: IL
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posted on 10-07-2008 at 17:36 |
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your choice
'i value my virginity quite a lot...but my gf might break up with me if we don't do it...help me please...full details on my post 9/30/08...please respond!!!'
You shouldn't let her pressure you into sex. It's your choice. If she doesn't accept that you want to wait or whatever it's not worth to sleep with her.
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Ginger
Newbie
Posts: 5
Registered: 03-30-2009 Location: Canada
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posted on 03-30-2009 at 17:22 |
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virginity
My virginity is a blessing and a curse. I really hope I don't lose it to a guy that'll use me in the end. I know whenever I do lose it, I'll be very attached to that person.
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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 04-03-2009 at 20:11 |
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wait
'My virginity is a blessing and a curse. I really hope I don't lose it to a guy that'll use me in the end. I know whenever I do lose it, I'll be very attached to that person.'
... and that is something worth waiting for - someone who will love you for it.
If the guy is a virgin as well, then it would add to the bond. The both
of you would share something that very few couples do.
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Parthena
Member
Posts: 57
Registered: 07-07-2007 Location: Greece
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posted on 06-15-2009 at 07:31 |
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To Blank_Wall
Hi Blank_Wall,
Can you believe I had typed out a really long reply to your post and lost it the moment I tried to send it! ;(.. As you say, that's life! Oh well, I guess it's my cue to stop being a blabbermouth and keep things short. So here goes, I will take your post bit by bit...
'First of all, I’m well past the “magic age” of 33 - I’m 43.
... so maybe that fact alone is reason enough for me to give up hope?'
It is definitely not a reason to give up hope! Are you kidding? I've known 90-year-olds in nursing homes who would try to sneak into each other's rooms for a shag! (As well as confident, sexy oldies who confided that in their youth they'd been anything but).
'The root of my problem is that I don’t have much in the way of a
personality. I’m a ... Blank Wall ... in that respect. I’m afflicted
with Aspergers Syndrome (high-functional autism), and it’s been at
the root of my social ineptitude - I’m simply someone who cannot
make friends easily - ESPECIALLY girlfriends. I’ve made significant
progress in dealing with the affliction - I’m CERTAINLY better off
than I was in the past - and I’ve even made a few friends (guys)
that I sometimes do things with - but it’s too little too late.'
Having Asperger's doesn't make you a blank personality. If anything it makes you more interesting. You're not a sheep going along with all the people-pleasing crowd! Rejoice in this! And rejoice in the fact that you have a powerful brain whose potential you may not fully be aware of yet.
'In spite of all the talk about “sexual equality”, it’s still the
case that guys make the advances - guys take the initiative - and
women are placed in a position where they can either accept or
reject those advances. If a girl is at least somewhat physically
attractive, then she will get approached by guys - no matter what
kind of personality she has - no matter how socially dysfunctional
she might be (even worse off than I am). The “Dating Game” is not
played on a level playing field, and women have a HUGE advantage
in that respect.'
This can work both ways. What about the women with great personalities, kind, giving etc, but who are deemed unattractive by males? I don't think we have the upper hand. Even a beautiful girl will be dumped if she's nasty, and all that glory of the first approach will be as if it never happened. Don't put too much emphasis on first impressions!
'I would suspect that you’ve gotten a lot of approaches
from guys...'
Actually, I have had guys interested but I've had my own reasons for not reciprocating. But does that mean you and I are different, that I am somehow more in control of the situation than you are of yours? I don't think so. I couldn't help the things that happened and are happening to make me not want to commit to anyone right now. There are times I would have it differently. But ultimately, I'm more comfortable with this state of being and I think you should do what makes you comfortable before all else.
'I can’t say that my life was ever anything like Bali; It’s more like
a vast expanse of badlands than anything else - as I’ve always dwelled
within the “Badlands of Solitude” - a very inhospitable place to be
(to state the least). In all of that time that I’ve dwelled here,
I’ve managed to acquire an adequate degree of survival skills, and the
badlands are not that bad of a place to be once you’ve learned to cope
with it - and have learned not to expect anything more than the
badlands have to give.
This is my reality, and I’ve come to accept that.
I’ll likely die alone - and die a virgin - but I don’t really have
a problem with that anymore.
Again, I appreciate your words of comfort and compassion, but I’m afraid
that my reality simply has no place for them.
' '
Blank_Wall please don't think like that! You must learn to open yourself to life a bit more and not let these thoughts in your head get so out of control that they become like a rapidly fermenting wine, becoming sourer with age. It's good that you're coming here to let them out but I would say also, maybe you could find someone you're comfortable with and talk over your feelings. Try going for a walk when the thoughts get too depressing, because this is a common symptom of being very intelligent, we think too much and often worry more because of it.
I wish you the best and please keep posting and letting me know how things are going. You mustn't give up hope just because the climb is hard. The summit hasn't moved; it's still there, waiting!
Cheers friend :)
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Blank_Wall
Member
Posts: 43
Registered: 02-09-2007 Location: Houston, TX
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posted on 07-03-2009 at 21:03 |
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To Parthena
'Hi Blank_Wall,’
Hi Parthena!
-------------------------------------
Can you believe I had typed out a really long reply to your post and lost
it the moment I tried to send it!;(.. As you say, that's life! Oh well,
I guess it's my cue to stop being a blabbermouth and keep things short. So
here goes, I will take your post bit by bit...
.......................................................................
I’ve had that happen too often, so I’ve been composing my posts with word
processing software for the past several years, then copy-pasting it to the
textbox within the response page. You can save yourself a lot of grief by
doing that.
Please don’t feel that you need to keep things short with myself.
I’m hardly in any position to be casting any stones.
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'First of all, I’m well past the “magic age” of 33 - I’m 43.
... so maybe that fact alone is reason enough for me to give up hope?'
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It is definitely not a reason to give up hope! Are you kidding? I've known
90-year-olds in nursing homes who would try to sneak into each other's rooms
for a shag! (As well as confident, sexy oldies who confided that in their
youth they'd been anything but).
.......................................................................
I hate to break this to you, but I’m really not interested in a “shag”.
If I’m going to have sex, it’ll be with someone in a committed relationship
- with someone I love - and that’s something that’s far more difficult than
simply sneaking into someone’s room at night.
IOW: This has little to do with sex, and everything to do with relationships
- something that I’m not very good at. While it may be quite possible that
my “soulmate” might be out there somewhere, finding her would be a daunting
task to be sure.
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'The root of my problem is that I don’t have much in the way of a
personality. I’m a ... Blank Wall ... in that respect. I’m afflicted
with Aspergers Syndrome (high-functional autism), and it’s been at
the root of my social ineptitude - I’m simply someone who cannot
make friends easily - ESPECIALLY girlfriends. I’ve made significant
progress in dealing with the affliction - I’m CERTAINLY better off
than I was in the past - and I’ve even made a few friends (guys)
that I sometimes do things with - but it’s too little too late.'
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Having Asperger's doesn't make you a blank personality. If anything it
makes you more interesting. You're not a sheep going along with all the
people-pleasing crowd! Rejoice in this! And rejoice in the fact that
you have a powerful brain whose potential you may not fully be aware of yet.
.......................................................................
I don’t see myself as being very interesting, and a lot of other people
who have met and known me IRL don’t care much for my company either.
The few people that I would call “friends” IRL don’t have much to do with me,
and always manage to find other things to do whenever I suggest that we do
something together. This has been the case with the people that I call
“friends” in the present, as well as people that I’ve known in the past
- including people throughout my school days. It’s confirmed: I’m about
as “interesting” as a bucket of slugs.
Having a “powerful brain” is debatable, but it doesn’t really matter, as there
are different kinds of intelligence. A person can be absolutely brilliant
at some things, while being completely retarded at others. For example with
myself: I am absolutely worthless at foreign languages - which probably is
linked to my inclination to be verbally dyslexic. (My writing skills are far
better than my verbal skills, so please don’t be misled by the content of
my posts.)
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'In spite of all the talk about “sexual equality”, it’s still the
case that guys make the advances - guys take the initiative - and
women are placed in a position where they can either accept or
reject those advances. If a girl is at least somewhat physically
attractive, then she will get approached by guys - no matter what
kind of personality she has - no matter how socially dysfunctional
she might be (even worse off than I am). The “Dating Game” is not
played on a level playing field, and women have a HUGE advantage
in that respect.'
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This can work both ways. What about the women with great personalities,
kind, giving etc, but who are deemed unattractive by males?
.......................................................................
I’ve seen many (what I would consider to be) very unattractive women out
in public, engaging in displays of affection with their boyfriends/husbands.
I’ve seen many (what I would consider to be) very unattractive women out
in public with small children - and I doubt if a substantial percentage of
them were artificially inseminated - some guy must’ve taken a liking to her.
It seems that there are some guys that are not all that discriminating
when it comes to physical attractiveness. Perhaps they are the lucky ones.
... lucky?
... yes.
A part of what makes my situation difficult is that I’m somewhat selective
in terms of physical attractiveness, though not to a great extent. A girl
doesn’t have to look like a fashion model for me to find her physically
attractive - she can be a skinny little beanpole as far as that goes - but
I’m turned off by girls on the heavy side. Some might call me “shallow” in
that respect, but the reality of the situation is that, if a guy is going to
function in an intimate relationship (involving sex), then he is going to
have to be aroused by the girl that he’s going to have sex with, or he simply
will not be able to get up an erection. No one can make themselves find someone
physically attractive no matter what anyone might tell you. Personal preferences
cannot be tuned on and off like a light switch.
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I don't think we have the upper hand. Even a beautiful girl will be dumped
if she's nasty, and all that glory of the first approach will be as if it
never happened. Don't put too much emphasis on first impressions!
.......................................................................
Without a first impression, there will never be anything more.
This isn’t about first impressions, but about every impression. When a woman
is physically attractive to even a modest extent, then there will be plenty
of guys that will take an interest in her - she doesn’t have to do much beyond
showing up in public places - and “auditioning” the guys that compete for her
attention. I was in a few of those competitions in my university days, and
I always was on the losing end - mainly because I simply did not have anything
in the way of a personality to display - I was not competitive.
How could anyone fall in love with someone who simply lacks the emotional
responsiveness/reactiveness that most people take for granted?
Very few people can understand something like that.
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'I would suspect that you’ve gotten a lot of approaches from guys...'
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Actually, I have had guys interested but I've had my own reasons for not
reciprocating.
.......................................................................
I suppose you have your reasons for not wanting to divulge those reasons,
though I can’t think of a reason why not. This is, after all, an anonymous
forum, where no one knows anyone else IRL. In any case, those reasons might
be interesting.
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But does that mean you and I are different, that I am somehow more in
control of the situation than you are of yours? I don't think so.
.......................................................................
I think so. The only reason why you’re not in a relationship is because you
have refused to reciprocate due to reasons of your own. With myself, it has
never been a problem of reciprocation, but of participation - and being
competitive.
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I couldn't help the things that happened and are happening to make me not
want to commit to anyone right now. There are times I would have it
differently. But ultimately, I'm more comfortable with this state of being
and I think you should do what makes you comfortable before all else.
.......................................................................
I am (comfortable with my situation). As I’ve stated before in this forum:
I am FAR from being desperate to have an intimate relationship. I’ve
adjusted to my lifestyle to the extent that I can be selective in who I
would want for a relationship, even though I’m hardly in any position to
be selective - and that’s a major part of the reason why I’m not likely
to have one.
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'I can’t say that my life was ever anything like Bali; It’s more like
a vast expanse of badlands than anything else - as I’ve always dwelled
within the “Badlands of Solitude” - a very inhospitable place to be
(to state the least). In all of that time that I’ve dwelled here,
I’ve managed to acquire an adequate degree of survival skills, and the
badlands are not that bad of a place to be once you’ve learned to cope
with it - and have learned not to expect anything more than the
badlands have to give.
This is my reality, and I’ve come to accept that.
I’ll likely die alone - and die a virgin - but I don’t really have
a problem with that anymore.
Again, I appreciate your words of comfort and compassion, but I’m afraid
that my reality simply has no place for them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
' '
Blank_Wall please don't think like that! You must learn to open yourself
to life a bit more and not let these thoughts in your head get so out of
control that they become like a rapidly fermenting wine, becoming sourer
with age.
.......................................................................
I hope you don’t get the wrong impression. I’m not really all that bitter
about my lot in life. I certainly don’t hate people, or the world in general.
On the contrary: I can accept it, and I can take some comfort in the fact
that I’m not likely to experience the risks associated with involving myself
in a relationship. People might fall in love like in whatever fairy tale you
might fancy, but that doesn’t mean that they will live happily ever after.
There are some things worse than being alone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's good that you're coming here to let them out but I would say also,
maybe you could find someone you're comfortable with and talk over your
feelings.
.......................................................................
I don’t see the point (in talking about my feelings with anyone else).
I don’t see this as a problem that needs to be solved. I express myself
within this forum, and if anyone else can relate to what I’m relating
in my posts, then that’s great. They can take some comfort in knowing
that they are not alone - and that they are not “freaks” in being who
they are - and that being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of (probably
my main purpose in this group is to support that perspective). There is
more to a support group than solving problems. Sometimes the problem isn’t
who you want to be, but in your own inability to accept who you are, as
you are now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Try going for a walk when the thoughts get too depressing,
because this is a common symptom of being very intelligent, we think too
much and often worry more because of it.
.......................................................................
Again: This is a misconception on your part. I’m not really all that
depressed anymore (and I do like to take long walks). I’m really not
worried about it, as I don’t see that I have much to worry about.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I wish you the best and please keep posting and letting me know how things
are going. You mustn't give up hope just because the climb is hard. The
summit hasn't moved; it's still there, waiting!
.......................................................................
Why do people climb mountains? ... because they are there?
Sorry - that’s not reason good enough for me.
What is my motivation for trying to reach that summit?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheers friend :)'
.......................................................................
Cheers friend :)'
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Kipling
Newbie
Posts: 4
Registered: 10-30-2009 Location:
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posted on 10-30-2009 at 14:38 |
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Parthena
Member
Posts: 57
Registered: 07-07-2007 Location: Greece
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posted on 11-10-2009 at 08:58 |
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Reply to Blank Wall
Hey I'm back! (The 'Greek Goddess'  ).
Sorry it's taken me a while to reply to your post Blank Wall. I had my internet disconnected and then re-connected a short time ago. Now I have an ab fab broadband connection which is really opening doors for me in the Youtube music video viewing world! (Probably another reason I haven't come here for a while).
I thought I would respond to your last question, about my reasons for not having had a sexual relationship yet. Yes they are personal and while I don't have a major problem with revealing such intimate details on a virtually anonymous message board, I'm still working through those issues; so I'm not sure I could provide a succinct enough answer. I have a history of - excuse the term - man-hating. Not that I hate all men. But I've had lots of experiences with verbal abuse and sexual harassment that go all the way back to when I was a toddler. Most of this shame-filled crap in my life is buried so deeply in my subconscious that I can't fully remember it and it would probably take a hypnotherapist to fish it out (good luck, as I don't hypnotise easily, if at all!).
So that's most of it. But I think the main reason is the way I was brought up. I come from a family where the mother was obsessed with purity and keeping her daughter au naturelle for as long as possible (I had to start plucking my eyebrows and shaving my legs in secret! How crazy is that!) and the father was a major womaniser in his bachelor days and determined to bring up his little girl as a pure little angelic princess. I was not allowed to wear lipstick until age 16 or go to parties until well into my 20s and university when I had my own car. I guess you could say I've had the 0.1% of strictest upbringings. Add to this that I was an ethnic minority at school and suffered from constant racial attacks and bullying, and it's no wonder I never opened up to anyone. I still think I can change if I go away to another country where the people are way different to what they are here. This city is drab, cold and disinterested in many ways and people don't open up to each other (sorry I prefer not to say which city).
So, is that enough information for you Blank Wall? Sorry if I went on and on. But while we're examining the topic we may as well have accurate info for why people remain virgins into their 30s and 40s, since I don't buy into that boloney about there being something wrong with them. No, rather, a more unique person, in looks or personality, is lucky in my opinion, because only a select few individuals will be interested in them and then you know the interest is REAL, and not because of money or a pretty face or good body. They become people sieves, getting rid of the 98% of trash that's not truly interested in them but only out for the ride. I have some mouth-wateringly gorgeous cousins who haven't been able to find their soul mate because every guy who approaches them is attracted to the physical package and little else. They have a pretty time trying to figure out who really likes them for them!!! A nightmare! Personality works the same way. You think funny, gregarious people who can hold a room spellbound are more likely to do well in relationships? What happens when the jokes run out? What if they're a completely different person in private? So people who are attracted to 'personality' may be just as shallow as those who are attracted to looks, because they're completely ignoring the soul, which is the only thing you can't lose while you're alive (just ask anyone who's ever loved an Altzheimer's sufferer).
So, to summarise this thesis, I want to say that I'm glad you're not depressed and please don't think I was implying you're bitter. You actually come across as sounding very pleasant and thoughtful and your posts on other threads show your insightful nature and helpfulness to others. But I can't help but feel you still desire to find someone to spend the rest of your life with in order to be fulfilled. I believe there are degrees of happiness. If you've ever seen the Disney film Snow White, you'll remember that at the start of the film Snow White loves to sing while doing her housework. She is singing and happy and light-hearted and looks pretty fulfilled, right? But at the end of the film when her prince comes to take her to his castle, I would say she is even happier. This does not negate her happiness at the start of the film; it just provides her with more perspective, allows her to see that there are degrees of happiness, that happiness in life is a spectrum, as most things are.
So if you get that and you're still awake at the end of this long post, I applaud you and I hope to hear back about how you're going in this wonderful, wacky world of ours.
Cheerio friend! 
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